Over-participating Student Totally Not Hated by Everyone
Just as a Friday afternoon “Intro to Shakespeare” class was about to end, Professor Howard Schumacher half-heartedly asked if anyone had any other comments. Professor Schumacher, not actually expecting...
View ArticleJesus Speaks Out About Kanye West’s New Tour
Chicago rapper/producer/water bottle enthusiast Kanye West began his first solo tour in five years at the Key Arena in Seattle, Wash., Saturday, sparking some controversy. The premiere Yeezus show...
View ArticleCandyless Schapiro Reminds Trick-or-Treaters About New Student Center
EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University President Morton O. Schapiro reportedly attempted to comfort disappointed trick-or-treaters at his home by reminding them that a new student center is probably...
View ArticleA Play-by-Play Analysis of Virgin America’s New Safety Video (in GIFs, of...
A few days ago Virgin America released the new safety video that they will show passengers before flights take off. I would like to emphasize the fact that that this video was made by real, debatably...
View ArticleTwo Students Standing Right in Front of Fucking Doorway Having Great Fucking...
At 10:58 this morning, Weinberg students Kyle Dunn and Sarah McCoy were seen right in front of the northernmost entrance to Kresge having just a fantastic fucking conversation. The pair, talking about...
View ArticleDean of Students Requires Homework for those Entering Fitzerland
Evanston, Ill.—In an effort to ensure the safety and diligence of Northwestern undergraduates, Dean of Students Todd Adams revealed yesterday that those wishing to enter the pre-football game student...
View ArticleMan Who Spends 90% of Time Around Other Speedo-Clad Men Somehow Gay
LONDON — The world was shocked today to learn that Tom Daley, a British athlete who spends almost all of his time wearing a speedo and doing various physical activities with other men wearing speedos,...
View ArticlePsych Major Loses 45 Friends in Quest for 30 Survey Responses
EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking...
View ArticleMayfest Announces Rebecca Black, Female, As Dillo Day Headliner
EVANSTON, Il.—Mayfest spokesman announced early Friday morning that, as per Google Doc request, the Dillo Day headliner will be Rebecca Black, a female. “After seeing a link to a Google Doc that read...
View ArticleCrazed Murderer Relieved That You Didn’t Check Behind Shower Curtain
After a recent trip to the bathroom where you neglected to check behind the shower curtains because for once you decided not to let paranoia control you, the crazed murderer who has spent hours hiding...
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